Hope Found Perfectly in Him

Sitting in church today, I was feeling a bit unsettled. My heart and mind were wandering and I wasn’t sure why I was struggling to fully be present in the moment. It wasn’t until I heard the words, “Hope is found perfectly in Him” that I repositioned my heart and thoughts toward God and the message.

Striving to be independent of everyone and everything, I often race through my days only to make it to the next Corporate America-filled, slightly unfulfilling day. I am the classic case of the routine-oriented, hard-worker who spends most of the day wondering how I am going to make it to 5 o’clock. For someone who wants to live life to the fullest, I have been hard-pressed to find what my true calling. I think what I have been rambling on about in this paragraph is perhaps WHY I have been so malcontent lately. My focus has been on all of the wrong things. Instead of pressing into God and allowing him to work through me, I find myself focusing on how I can sustain my energy from one activity to the next, only to end the day feeling fatigued and heavy-hearted.

For someone with an unparalleled support system and endless opportunities, why do I struggle to have hope in what’s to come?

I think a good place to start is to realize that we are all weak and can’t make it through this life alone. While problems are sure to arise, it is a must that we focus on positioning our hearts toward God and put our faith and hope in Him instead of creation. The people around us can’t fix what is broken in us, but God can. So while I may feel that I can “fix” certain aspects of my life, it is foolish to continue living like I can do it all alone. I have come to realize that God leads us into situations so that we may draw nearer to him and see our own hearts as he sees them.

It is a dangerous habit to place our hope and faith into material things and people. It will provide instant gratification and reassurance, but it is sure to be an unstable refuge. God however, provides a steadfast refuge filled with endless love and mercy. Who could be so foolish as to not run to Him first? I can and do quite frequently. While I have accepted the fact that I am very much a work in progress, it is not too late to start running to Him. For he is my place of rest. The only place I will find true happiness, love and hope.

As for living day-to-day, I am confident there will be days, weeks, months, and even years that test my faith in God. Trials and tribulations that will have me running away from God instead of to him. But perhaps if I continue to work on shedding my pride and expectations and hopes for this life, I will begin to see and feel organic happiness and hope through Him and for Him.

Psalm 121: 5-8 has been heavy on my heart this afternoon.

The Lord watches over you – The Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

I truly feel like once I can drudge up the courage to let go of my desire for control and hand my life fully to the Lord, I will begin to find perfect hope in Him. As for gaining that  courage, I will continue to ask for guidance and wisdom throughout my days and practice seeking Him instead of creation.

Love & Time

Love. A word defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

This definition had, up until this point, meant that I loved my Jesus, my parents, and my friends deeply and fervently as best I could each day. Not being the poster child for warm and cuddly things, I lived most of the last 22 years striving to please others and shunned all male-folk that dawned the doorstep. Thoughts of “I don’t have time,” or “He isn’t driven enough,” or perhaps the infamous nitpicking after a first date. Unfortunately, these are all things I have done. I prided myself on being one of the few to maintain and independent and straight and narrow lifestyle, fully equipped with good friends and family.

However…

I love love. I rarely pick anything below a good, sappy romantic comedy. I secretly envied the girl riding on the front of her boyfriend’s bike each day as I walked to Spanish for a whole year. And I am helplessly and shamelessly devoted to any and all classic love tales in the form of books, real-life events, pictures, and movies. I wasn’t the little girl who dreamed of her wedding. I was the girl who gazed at the V-J day in Times Square Portrait and longed to be kissed by my one true love. To fall in love with one person and spend the rest of my life with them.

It seems as though I have been in a desperate attempt to have “the” moment. The knock-your-socks-off, fireworks, game-over, I am in love feeling. While that seemed rather attainable growing up, I have come to realize that true love stems much deeper than just a moment. It seems to me that love, is in fact, stitched together by time. On the one hand, I wanted to be loved, to love someone unconditionally, and for everything else to just fall into place. While on the on other hand, I was using time to avoid having to deal with “love” and nitpick about why someone wasn’t good enough for me. The problem wasn’t the men I was dating. It was me not trusting that in time, everything would just fall into place.

Love & Time. You can’t have one without the other.

As Charles du Bos states: “Love does not care to define and is never in a hurry to do so.”

It is time I stop trying to define why things are the way they are, continue to love love, and trust in time. <3

Ready for a “Full Surrender”

In catching up with C.S. Lewis after an unwanted and unnecessary hiatus, I landed on an excerpt titled, “Full Surrender.” The title immediately struck a chord in my heart. It is the exact thing that I have been struggling with. The thing that has me second guessing my actions and regiment of life. While I have always considered myself a Christian, I have had doubts in my allegiance toward Him.

In “Nice Is Not Enough,” C.S. Lewis said:

But we must not suppose that even if we succeeded in making everyone nice we should have saved their souls. A world of ‘nice’ people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world–and might even be more difficult to save.

I have always considered myself a ‘nice’ person. A person who would be there for my friends and family if they needed me. But what I struggle with is the difference in being amiable and socially sound and being of Him and for Him.

In “Full Surrender,” C.S. Lewis said:

“A fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arms, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realising that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor–that is the only way out of our ‘hole.’”

I see my imperfections in my day-to-day life and wonder why and how I could act the way that I do. For someone who has been given so much and someone who has had infinite mercy extended to them, I feel rather undeserving.

C.S. Lewis goes on to say: “The process of surrender…means unlearning all of the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves. It means killing part of yourself, undergoing a kind of death.”

It is understood that we are all “works in progress.” That we are living because Jesus died on the cross to cancel our debt so we may live fruitful lives of Him and know him and grow to live life full of Him and for Him. I tend to struggle with giving up control, fully surrendering, and pressing wholly and fully into God. Each day I pray that the Lord draws me nearer to Him and that he may stir up my heart so that I may long to know him more. It is time time that I start taking my own advice. It’s time to grab the reins, so that I may give myself up to His personality and in turn start having a real personality of my own.

C.S. Lewis ends with the idea of repentance and the realization that no one likes it. He describes repentance as being more than “eating humble pie.” He said, “Only a bad person needs to repent: only a good person can repent perfectly. The worse you are the more you need it and the less you can do it. The only person who could do it perfectly would be a perfect person–and he would not need it.”

Perfection is an unattainable goal that I try and reach all too often. It is something that we were not meant to attain. I must get out of that way of thinking and start actively seeking to know God and start changing my heart to mirror his. Then and only then will I truly know the true meaning of eternal peace. It is time to start peeling away the unauthentic layers and begin to press into Him for answers and truths. This task has not proved to be easy, but I truly believe that when I fully begin to know God and his heart, I will then and only then begin to live a fruitful life full of Him instead of me.

Relishing in tranquility.

Not long ago, there was a girl who had become lost in her predictable way of life. A girl who was drowning in schedules, to-do lists, family pressures and trying to make sense of a new relationship. Little did I know that driving through the Colorado mountains would act as a force field; stripping me of my inhibitions, tiredness, stress, and anxiety. As I watched the three-day-old snow melt into small ponds around me, I felt my fears and struggles do the same. Peace is something that is often shelved in my chaotic, relentlessly strict schedule, so to feel the way I felt driving up to our small and quaint B&B is indescribable. I immediately went into a state of calm.

I wake up every morning with a fresh outlook. Instead of my endless to-do list reeling, I hear the birds, see the deer and smell the wood-burning fire places all around. We slowly awake, at our own pace and begin our mornings with sweet songs that have suddenly taken on new meaning in our lives. Then, we sit. Sit and peer through our window to relish in the beauty God has created. I have a knew-found clarity in my thoughts and dreams and hopes every time I scan the skyline.

The sweet lyrics of Diane Birch lingers in the sweet smell of the burning wood and crisp, fresh air as we ask ourselves, “what do we want to do today?” Who would have thought three routine-driven women could release the reins and just enjoy, for once in their lives, not having a predetermined plan for the day. Well, let me tell you…we have and will continue to until reality calls us home. And for some reason, I have a feeling thoughts of our small, wooden cottage, the snowy mountains, and the amount of laughter and love that has been shared this trip will keep us going long after we leave the Apple Orchard Inn.

Just when I thought I was at my wits end with work and life, God provided me a clean slate to redesign my perspective. A blank canvas to build long-lasting beautiful friendships, let go of my fears and relish in tranquility.

The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. If you foolishly ignore beauty, you will soon find yourself without it. Your life will be impoverished. But if you invest in beauty, it will remain with you all the days of your life.”…<3

To fall or fear?

Over the past year, my life has panned out in a rather bland, predictable way. I received my degree, got a job in the corporate world and indulge in the occasional weekend happy hour. Up until about a week ago, I  convinced myself that I would be this way forever. A successful, single woman with no time for a man. Something happened, though. Something that I didn’t see coming.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Feelings of happiness and passion and fear and hope quickly replaced corporate, structure and to-do lists. No one could have prepared me for the intensity of my feelings all at once. I got a sudden surge of confidence to let go and let it be. To hear that I was pulling away and shouldn’t be and that it was OK to fall even though I had every reason to doubt was all that it took. It hit me right between the eyes.

I needed the comfort of knowing that it was ok to  have doubts. But needed to hear that I couldn’t live in doubt and fear forever.

A rush of anxiety and fear came over me. Knowing that a person I had cared about for so long was now leaving me. For an entire year. The person who allows me to have my doubts, but reassures me that I must go in whole-heartedly for BIG things to happen. That passion is in the risk.

My first thought was to run in the opposite direction. To flee in order to protect my heart. Something that has remained unscathed for so long. This time it’s different, though. It’s unexplainable. The once rigid and closed-hearted girl, now waits for an E-mail. A phone call. Anything. Anything that brings him closer to me. Instead of butterflies, it’s dinosaurs. My stomach is in knots, but in a good way.

So what’s a girl to do? Fall and hope someone catches me. Or flee and live in fear?

Go, take a chance and be strong.

The past week has  me spinning. Right, left, up and down.

Testing my emotions is something I am unfamiliar with. I don’t typically wrestle with them to protect myself. I tend to take my emotions out of things.I  Relentlessly store them away in hopes that I won’t have to “soften” or feel pain. I am a constant victim of my past and dwell on what could go wrong with every situation. In a way it’s my defense mechanism. A way for me to maintain complete control over my future. If I have learned one thing this week, it is that a life worth living involves taking risks. BIG risks. When it comes to matters of the heart, I tend to run in the opposite direction. Just knowing that something could not work out or that I could get my heart broken is enough for me to resist it with all that I have.

I’ve played it safe most of my life, but I am starting to figure out that I will never truly “feel” if I don’t take a chance on things. I think I have been told that I need to “let go” and see what happens one million times in my life. We weren’t put on this Earth to run from our fears and play it safe. In order for something great to happen, you have to give it a chance to. No one has ever won anything sitting on the sidelines.

So, here is to the future. Taking risks. And letting GO. <3

Soon it gets better.

As I mull over the words I heard tonight, I am overwhelmed with God’s grace.

We only have one chance to live this life, so why not jump at every chance to make it count? I find myself dwelling on the negative and the unknown all too often. I was taught tonight to remain on a “sacerdotal expedition.” A journey working for the Lord and not necessarily for my parents or employers. All too often I let myself get bogged down with the relentless demands and challenges that life has thrown at me. Feeling like I am the only one who goes through “rough” times. Everyone goes through “broken spots” and hardship. We are all constantly “recovering.” But how lucky are we to have a promised partnership with the Lord from now until eternity? A constant partner that provides steadfast love and relentless mercy.

The ever present idea of conflict looms if we are not able to change our way of thinking. Are hearts become “neutron-bomb hearts.” While they create less destruction than an atom bomb, its devastating, silent radiation lives on for years. If we don’t control our anger and maintain a passive-agressive state, our ugliness and hopelessness will continue to permeate to those around us. It is with this thought that I continue to look inward and realize how much I have to work on. Yet, get to work on. We were brought to this Earth bearing imperfection. That’s the way God intended us to be. I will continue to go in faith knowing that there is no shame in being worked on. Nor is it a shame to practice continual repentance, or to value being apart of His temple. Instead these gifts have been bestowed upon us to interpret and dissect the Gospel. To question things we do not understand.

I find strength and encouragement in knowing that God is using our time on Earth to mold us. To teach us. To help guide us through the process. He is preparing us to join Him. In His habitat. For now, we must work to stir the hearts around us and become advocates for the Temple. For Soon, it gets better.

Lost in Love.

So many thoughts, so little time. When it comes to love, not everyone gets it when they want it and not everyone wants it when they have it.

For me, love is unrivaled with any other emotion. Something that is vital to everyone.It is what makes or breaks someone. And what dictates the way of the world. It is something people must choose to open their heart too. But something they must protect themselves from as well.

I have struggled for years trying to pinpoint why I, the bright, independent, altruistic soul still awaits her fate in love. There have been countless attempts to make headway in this all too stagnant part of my life, but nothing has stuck. Loneliness sets in every now and then when I see friends get married, couples in the early stages of a relationship and the all too famous love movie that I torture myself with on a routine basis.

As with most things in my life, I am a perfectionist. So, it won’t surprise anyone that I have trouble finding men that fit  my “checklist.” No I don’t really have one, but I follow my gut, which leads me to the second date where I tend to let them loose. I can’t help but wonder if I will ever find someone who gets me. Inside and out. Like I have advised all of my friends at one time or another…Whatever is meant to be, will be. Now if only I could take my own advice.

My parents tell me I am “so” young. Too young to be worrying about who I am going to spend the rest of my life with. However, there are moments when all I want to do is curl up with someone and dream. laugh. learn. live. For as much as I have accomplished in my life, this has proven to be one of my toughest battles. It is forcing me to look inward and work on my relationship with myself.

I know God has a plan for me. And with or without a soul mate, I will drive ahead. Maybe it’s not in the cards for me. Maybe it is. All I know is that love is not something to shy away from. Not something that is reserved for a significant other. It’s one of the greatest gifts we’ve been given, so we must employ it every chance we get.

So for now, I will patiently await the next chapters of my life. I will continue to love love. Continue to be lost in all of its mystery.

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”-James Baldwin

“Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination.” -Voltaire

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves.”–Victor Hugo

Race against time

Three weeks ago, I was employed and content with my surroundings. Now, it is as if I am in a race against time. As the hand circulates every hour, I am beginning to weaken under pressure. “Will I ever find a position that I am completely satisfied with?” “Will I ever be “comfortable” again?”

With my whole life ahead of me, I often stop myself and ask the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” The answer is always, “Who knows?” With the economy in such a perilous state, I feel skittish, incomplete and unsure about what lies ahead. Beginning my day with optimism takes double doses of endurance and patience.

With so many opportunities in front of me, I feel overwhelmed with the thought of picking a “career.” The problem is, I want to have several “careers”! Narrowing down and selecting which road I will take is a daunting task to say the least.

I know “this too shall pass,” and sooner or later I will look back and wish I didn’t have “something” to do. But until then, I will wait. Anxiously await the next “chapter” in my book of life.

So long, farewell

At one point not too long ago, I was greatly anticipating what is now right around the corner. My life as I know it is about to change. So for better or for worse, I have to be ready. 

I would be remiss not to dwell for a moment on the good, the bad, and the ugly of my last four years of life.

As for the ugly…I can only speak for myself. I know that I was ugly to people and people were ugly to me. However, without such malevolent behavior, one cannot truly see if people change, or, how I have changed. I am certainly not the poster child for perfection, or the Texas sweetheart with the optimistic attitude, but I do appreciate and value people who long to better themselves and how others have bettered me. To those who I have hurt, I am truly sorry. I think of my life as an ongoing learning process. A time for me to fall and fall hard, but get back up again. A time for me to hurt others, try to correct it, and look for the good in every situation. 

 

As for the bad..there are certain ‘bad’ choices I made in the last four years. Times that turned into  life changing experiences. Without listing specifics, I have found a passion for serving others and intend to employ my love for service throughout everything I do. Be it tutoring my students or writing for a cause, I have and will always appreciate everyone I have met and everything I have had to go through. 

Relationships with people hasn’t been my strong suit. College has blown that into proportion for me. I feel that sometimes I think I am truly being myself, when really it is all just a facade. I act the way certain people think I should act to spare myself a broken heart, a day of sadness, or perhaps a lifetime of regret. All of this to say that my time in college has definitely had it’s fair share of the ‘rough and tough,’ but I am thankful for everyone and everything who have been a part of it. Good or bad. 

 

The best for last…As I meander through my final days in Lubbock, more ‘good’ comes to mind than anything. I have been blessed with the opportunity to attend college and attain a degree, the most incredible friends, several life-changing jobs,  and a beyond precious family. 

As for my friends…There are several that I can truly say have touched my life, have a huge piece of my heart, and will forever remain apart of me. 

Keeping it short, there is one person who has been my backbone for 11 solid years. Without her, there is no way I would be where or who I am today. She has helped me appreciate the little things and to overlook the small, frivolous things. My best friend Anna is someone I can truly say is my angel. 

There is another person here who will always have a place in my heart. For four years, I have grown to love and appreciate this person for not only his spirit, charisma, and charm, but for his undeniable love for people. To Caleb, you taught me how to love people, how to appreciate them, and how to love myself.

My precious family who has given me the gift of hope, love and passion. I am forever indebted to everyone of them.

For those of you who aren’t listed, you know who you are. You have all touched my life in ways I can’t even explain, and I will take all of the memories wherever I go. 

So, there you have it. As I leave the windy city of West Texas, I am reminded of only good times.  I will never forget my time here.