To fall or fear?

Over the past year, my life has panned out in a rather bland, predictable way. I received my degree, got a job in the corporate world and indulge in the occasional weekend happy hour. Up until about a week ago, I  convinced myself that I would be this way forever. A successful, single woman with no time for a man. Something happened, though. Something that I didn’t see coming.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Feelings of happiness and passion and fear and hope quickly replaced corporate, structure and to-do lists. No one could have prepared me for the intensity of my feelings all at once. I got a sudden surge of confidence to let go and let it be. To hear that I was pulling away and shouldn’t be and that it was OK to fall even though I had every reason to doubt was all that it took. It hit me right between the eyes.

I needed the comfort of knowing that it was ok to  have doubts. But needed to hear that I couldn’t live in doubt and fear forever.

A rush of anxiety and fear came over me. Knowing that a person I had cared about for so long was now leaving me. For an entire year. The person who allows me to have my doubts, but reassures me that I must go in whole-heartedly for BIG things to happen. That passion is in the risk.

My first thought was to run in the opposite direction. To flee in order to protect my heart. Something that has remained unscathed for so long. This time it’s different, though. It’s unexplainable. The once rigid and closed-hearted girl, now waits for an E-mail. A phone call. Anything. Anything that brings him closer to me. Instead of butterflies, it’s dinosaurs. My stomach is in knots, but in a good way.

So what’s a girl to do? Fall and hope someone catches me. Or flee and live in fear?

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